***Warning*** The following post is a rambling trip into my fragile and insecure psyche. It may be more than you want to know about me. If you're looking for something a little less serious I do highly recommend viewing the next post down- The Hawaiian Chair- it's hysterical! Consider yourselves warned...
Last Sunday I got a call from the executive secretary about meeting with a member of the bishopric. I knew that couldn't be good. I had just spoken that day so I knew it wasn't about speaking. That can only mean one thing...... a new calling. I've been the Laurel advisor for about 2 1/2 years so it wasn't really shocking to me that I would be getting a new calling. I was petrified as to what it might be. I knew that they need help in the nursery so I was pretty sure that was where I was headed. Ugh! Anyway I went to my meeting on Tuesday fully expecting to be called to nursery. I had decided that I wouldn't tell him no, no matter how badly I wanted to. I was not prepared for what he said. I've been called to be the 2nd counselor in the Primary Presidency! Excuse me, WHAT!?!?!?! I actually laughed at him, I'm not sure he appreciated that. Of course I told him that I would do whatever they needed me to do. My Patriarchal Blessing specifically tells me to never refuse a calling so I don't.
I'm still in shock about it. I don't really think I can do this for the following reasons-
1. I have no experience!! I've served in Young Women, Relief Society, Sunday School, Activities and I've even had made up singles ward callings but I haven't served in the Primary since I was 18. Right out of Young Women I was called to teach the Sunbeams and that was a complete disaster. They were hellions and made me cry every week. That is the only experience I've had in Primary. How on earth can I contribute to a presidency with no experience? I'm not familiar with the programs, the songs, the lessons- nothing!!
2. The 2nd Counselor is over the scouts. That actually makes me laugh. I have no clue what to do with a boy scout! I think I kind of know what a merit badge is and I know they tie knots. Once again- no experience!!! I'm going to be a fish out of water.
3. This is the big one. This is the one that explores my insecurities so you can stop reading now if you don't want to take that leap. I really struggle with being single and not having children. I would give up just about anything to be married and have a family. I teeter on a very narrow ledge of sanity when it comes to kids. I love my nieces and nephews with all of my heart. They are so wonderful. But there are times that I simply can not be around them. I can't take the heartache. I have to hide in my apartment and try and convince myself that I'm ok and that I'm not a failure. It is one of my biggest challenges in this life. The thought of surrounding myself with other peoples children every Sunday is just about more than I can handle. To make matters worse, while trying to be comforting my someone said to me "Maybe you're one of those women that is here to teach other peoples children." Gah! That is not helpful!!! I don't know how I am going to do it.
We're always supposed to learn something from our callings, right? I'm going to hope I learn my lesson quickly so this calling won't last that long. Wish me luck!!